My New Boyfriend

I don’t know his name. In fact, I barely know what the hell he looks like. I only saw him briefly today, beckoning from within the pizza delivery truck down the street, totally stoned and bearing a striking resemblance to that drooling kid from the short bus on South Park.

I e-mailed a friend yesterday, telling her about him because I think he’s sending me love notes. I came downstairs to buy a soda (this is how we met: the Coke™ machine is right across the street from the pizza joint, directly in front of the cool-alternative scooter/scenester store) and looked at trunk of my car and the word “Tits” was written in the six inches of dust that even the most torrential downpour shan't remove. I wondered what kind of male leaves love notes like THAT? Well, as you’ve read before, Newport boasts a special breed of people, so I suppose one must allow for a certain amount of eccentricity, non? Though I am not positive it was him that wrote it, I am going to pin it on him because it makes him more interesting and more mysterious. And a guy like that really needs a slap with the James Bond glove here and there.

So tonight I’m walking for yet another Coke™ (some day, I’ll buy a 12 pack but I’m just not ready for that level of commitment) and I hear this whistling coming from, yes, the pizza joint. Usually, this guy is doorway lurking, a very compelling pastime from the looks of things on the block, yet tonight he went from doorway lurking to c3, proving once again that pawns can only move straight ahead, just not too far. His whistling got louder and louder until I had to yell at him to stop trying to woo me. I am not sure if he understood though. I think that the voice of the Ganja God was far louder than my shrewish screeching.

Ok, on one hand, a whistle here and there is fun! I like it and in my town, hell, you get whistled no matter what. Yet, with his face so relaxed it appeared to be melting off his skull, I really felt like a manatee being spotted by a horny sailor after a year at sea. Dude, whistle at me when you’re sober or I won’t believe it.

I don’t know what will become of our relationship now that I’ve rebuffed his suit. I did yell at him once before though and that was before he wrote “Tits” on my car.

I think he likes it when I play hard to get.